Astrology
Your Rational Stars for 2009. The only astrological predictions that come with a guarantee!
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Water will enter an orifice for many Aquarians this year. For many this will be while swimming or drinking, but for others it will not.
This year will see many Aquarians confuse the self-evident for prophesy; while those of you who exercise will feel better for it; and brushing up on your skills will pay dividends.
Involuntary and generally unconscious movements of the heart, diaphragm, eyes and other organs will be experienced; and the passage of Mars through your digestive system will be the cause of many unnecessary calories.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
For your health, remember to breathe, and quickly stem any significant blood loss.
You will experience alternate waves of inadequacy and superiority as you thumb through the celebrity magazines at the supermarket checkout.
Someone will be voted off a television reality show this year without you having to lift a finger.
With Mars turning retrograde there will probably be a change in your home or work life in the next twelve months.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
The transition of Venus through your sun sign will bring you into contact with someone with a severe nut allergy, but due to the context of your meeting this will not be discussed.
Precipitation will affect the activities of some, and spam will arrive in the Inboxes of many.
As Jupiter, the planet responsible for outbreaks of cholera, is in opposition to your sun sign, you will not contract this disease so long as you remain in a first-world country. This should not, however, be taken as license to drink from any sewer.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
With powerful planetary aspects for Taureans this year many of you will find yourself wrapping up something. For some it will involve finishing a project; for others it will involve cling-wrap or aluminium foil.
Those born prior to 1920 will find themselves slowing down, and are probably best to take one day at a time.
You may become angry at an inanimate object, perhaps a computer, car, or voice recognition system. Remembering that inanimate objects are neither vindictive nor belligerent will make your life more peaceful.
Your lucky colours are puce, copper, and erin-green. You'll stand out from the crowd if you combine these into your outfit.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
During the year you will get the feeling that other people don't extend to you the full quota of courtesy that you so richly deserve, and that you really should be richer for all the creativity and hard work that you have generated in your life so far.
Those of you with young children will find intolerable levels of noise, and getting out of the house on time will present difficulties.
You will also notice the propensity for people to talk nonsense. This is due to the Sun, previously grounded in Taurus, reaching a supportive trine to retrograde Saturn.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
Neptune will cause you to eat something you probably shouldn't this year, and the passing of the moon through your sun sign will cause your metabolism to be less efficient than it was a decade ago.
Finances will be strained for those involved in protracted legal action or extensive renovations.
Enthusiasm alone will not suffice for you to realize all your dreams.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Those of you born on the 1st, 3rd, 5th, 7th, 9th, 11th, 13th, 15th, 17th, 19th, 21st, 23rd, 25th, 27th, and 29th of the month will notice something odd about their birthday.
With Jupiter at a brusque angle to to moon you should beware of platitudes this year. Particularly susceptible are those hard-working, charming, and extremely capable Leos.
2008 will see the local community newspaper go straight into the recycling for many.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
A small amount of plaque will adhere to an artery, but you will experience no symptoms.
Some Virgos may be skeptical of their astrological predictions. This is due to an opposition Neptune in your sun sign.
With Uranus, the planet of tautology, prominent in your chart in 2008, you will notice a propensity for people to indulge in the inane, foolish, asinine, and fatuous.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Good luck will follow you everywhere you go this year, but like all good surveillance you'll never know it.
With Saturn in a difficult aspect to the Sun, tragedy will strike a Libra somewhere on the planet sometime this year. This could involve a natural disaster. On a personal note, be careful of dangerous situations. People who take foolish chances with their safety may be particularly at risk.
You will come within two metres of something made from gluten; and your lucky number is minus one.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
With Venus passing through your 10th house, a thought of a sexual nature will cross your mind.
Opportunities abound this year for those with large family fortunes or wealthy and influential mentors.
Those traveling overseas and who read the Department of Foreign Affairs 'Travel Advisory Notices' about their destination will experience increased levels of anxiety.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
A 'letting go' of some kind will occur this year. It could be the handle of something or button of some kind. While those in a coma - or without the use of their hands - could find themselves letting go of something metaphorically.
Mercury will be challenging for you this year, especially if you ingest it.
With Jupiter and Neptune in a difficult aspect to one another, price rises can be expected for any commodity where demand exceeds supply.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
A present is on the cards in December or January, and your lucky numbers are the ones that win Lotto.
Be careful who you trust this year. Not everyone has your best interests at heart. You may also notice that other people don't show the same level of enthusiasm that you have when it comes to addressing your needs.
With Mars, the planet of weavings and endings prominent in your chart in 2008, you are likely to pass a rug emporium having a Closing Down Sale sometime during the year.
Those of you that buy a lottery ticket can be assured that your finances are not as good as you'd like them to be.
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