© David Staume 2007
First and Second Kings were originally one book. Kings represents a weaving of many diverse threads by an
unknown author.
1-2. Elijah prophesizes the death of King Ahaziah because Ahaziah ordered a messenger to consult
the God Baal. Elijah refuses a request from the king's men to come down off a hill to meet with the king. Elija summons fire
from heaven and incinerates a hundred of the king's men for asking. Elijah parts the river Jordan so that he can cross on dry
land. He is then taken up to heaven in a fiery horse-drawn chariot and not seen again. His son, Elisha, who was travelling with him,
takes over as miracle worker, parts the river Jordan to return, and purifies a fouled well with a bowl of salt. On the road
to Bethel, some little children taunt Elisha about his bald head. Elijah calls down a curse from God and two she-bears come
out of the woods to maul the little children. Men of God incinerating people for asking them to come down from a hill, and summoning
bears to maul little children because of their vanity. It's just too stupid for words.
3. The kings of Israel, Judah, and Edom decide
to attack the Moabites because they refuse to pay a tribute of a hundred thousand lambs and the wool of a hundred thousand rams. Going
through the desert, however, they run out of water. Elisha consults God, who says he will send water and ensure victory. The next
morning the desert is full of water. To the Moabites the water looks red. Assuming that it's the blood of their enemy having
turned on each other, the Moabites advance and are slaughtered by the Israelites. And the stupidity and bloodshed just keeps
coming.
4-5. Elisha helps a widow pay her debts by conjuring a bottomless jug of olive oil. He repays a woman for his lodging
by enabling her to conceive. Some years later the boy dies and Elisha brings him back to life by warming him with his body. Then
he purifies some putrid stew with a handful of flour so people can eat during a famine, and seemingly multiplies loaves of bread
to feed a hundred men. Elisha cures a soldier, Naaman, of leprosy by advising him to bathe in the Jordan seven times. He then
gives leprosy to one of his own servants who followed Naaman and asked for money.
6-7. Elisha makes an iron axe-head float to
the surface of the river Jordan by pointing a stick at it. A small army of Arameans is sent to capture Elisha, but God strikes
them all with blindness at Elisha's request. The Arameans besiege Samaria. The Israelites within begin to starve. The Arameans inexplicably
desert the siege as Elisha foretold.
8-10. Elisha prophesizes Hazael as the next king of Aram, and Jehu as the next king of Israel.
This inspires both men to kill the existing kings and assume the throne. Jehu orders Jezebel thrown out of a window to her death.
The fearful citizens of Samaria declare allegiance to Jehu. Jehu says that to prove they are on his side they must behead the seventy
sons of Ahab. The heads are put into baskets and delivered to Jehu. Jehu kills everyone in Jezreel and Samaria associated with
Ahab. Jehu summons all followers of Baal to the temple of Baal for a great sacrifice, saying that anyone who fails to attend will
be killed. He then orders his guards to kill everyone inside. God praises Jehu for 'doing well' and rewards Jehu with a long
linage as king of Israel. All this killing is done to fulfil the word of God as spoken by Elijah. It's fortunate this loathsome God
doesn't really exist.
11-25. A succession of kings of Judah and Israel, their murders and wars. The King of Assyria
invades the whole land and God abandons Israel to its plunderers because they worshipped other Gods. An angel of God kills a hundred
and eighty-five thousand men in the Assyrian camp and the King of Assyria withdraws. A succession of kings and bloodshed in Jerusalem.
An army from Babylon marches on Jerusalem, besieges it, breaks its walls, then plunders and destroys its buildings. Many are killed
but many escape to Egypt.