Yin and Yang Parenting
How to nourish your children and remain sane. A theory of interpersonal energy.
As a parent I know that our children can drive us crazy, but I also know that they provide us with a wealth of opportunities to learn and grow. The interesting thing about these different possibilities, however, is how they seem to go hand in hand: it’s the things that drive us crazy that probably offer us the greatest opportunities to learn and grow.
Our children provide us with many lessons: lessons in tolerance, discipline, and sacrifice come to mind. They certainly chip away at our selfishness. They teach us to be simple and uncomplicated; they teach us the value of fun; and they require us to set a good example. So how can we maximize the learning and growing, and minimize the going crazy? Is there a skill we can use to learn our lessons, and help our children learn theirs, while at the same time remaining calm and sane? In my opinion, the skill that can accomplish all of these things is the understanding and application of the energies often referred to as yin and yang.
Masculine energy is active and emissive, and we call it ‘yang’. Feminine energy is passive and receptive, and we call it ‘yin’. We are all blends of these energies, irrespective of our gender. The term ‘masculine’ is therefore not synonymous with ‘male’, nor ‘feminine’ with ‘female’. If I take a step toward you, or talk to you - that’s yang; if I step back from you, or listen to you - that’s yin. If I push you away, or give you something - that’s yang; if I draw you into my embrace, or receive something from you - that’s yin.
When you put yin and yang in these terms it’s easy to see that to be a fully functioning being we need to possess both sets of qualities. We should use our masculine energy to sing to an audience, then our feminine energy to drink in their applause; our masculine energy to seek out a wise teacher, our feminine energy to absorb their wisdom; our masculine energy to create ideas, then our feminine energy to give them form and structure; our masculine energy to push away a sexual predator, our feminine energy to embrace a distressed friend; our masculine energy when in the presence of the weak and immoral, and our feminine energy in the presence of something greater than our self, such as nature.
In the context of parenting, it is typical of masculine energy to distance ourselves from our children, to push them away, while it is typical of feminine energy to draw them toward us, to open our arms and heart, and comfort them. Pushing away, at the right times, can be the perfect expression of love, because without it our children will not learn to be independent. Children therefore provide women with opportunities to be yang as well as their general inclination to be yin. Sometimes love expresses itself by pulling together and embracing, and at other times it expresses itself by pushing away, such as when a child stays at home into adulthood. Children also provide men with opportunities to be yin as well as their general inclination to be yang. When we love our children we realize that following our masculine tendencies is not always the right thing to do. When our child is hurt, for example, the attitude of ‘get up and be a man’ may occasionally be the right one, but if we make it habitual, our coldness and inability to empathize will damage them. To be good parents we have to be able to be both yin and yang - and to know when it’s the right time to emphasize one and when it’s the right time to emphasize the other.
If your child isn’t concentrating on their homework, a yang ‘I want you to sit there until it’s finished’ is one option, to focus them and assert our expectation, but if that doesn't work, escalating it by becoming louder, more forceful, or threatening - that is, more yang - will only be counter-productive. A balanced approach would be to explain the basis of our expectation - that doing their homework will benefit them. If that doesn't work, you can swing the pendulum to yin, and invite them to talk about the situation, and listen. Maybe there’s something going on that you’re not aware of.
If your child is exhibiting the ugly side of yang - if they’re stomping, cussing, and angry - polarizing yourself as yang by being angry and threatening in return, will only make the situation worse. When yang meets yang it’s like pressing the two positive poles of a magnet together. It’s confrontational, and whoever is the stronger will win. But the end result of a yang-yang confrontation is always the same: for the ‘winner’ (presumably the parent) it’s remorse, because given enough time, we will always regret our words and deeds; while the end result for the ‘loser’ (presumably our child) is resentment - a feeling that can last a very long time. The consequences of yang meeting yang is always counterproductive. Putting the two positive poles of a magnet together prevents them from coming together, and therefore prevents resolution.
The consequences of meeting yang with yin are very different. Resolution becomes a possibility, and so does transformation. If we can step back from a physically or emotionally aggressive situation, and refuse to retaliate, we will find that the yang will eventually run out of puff. And it is at this moment, when the yang energy has been spent, that the aggressor is capable of transformation. It’s a precious and beautiful moment, because it is here that they can see their error and make the decision - consciously or unconsciously - to change. When we polarize ourselves as yin in response to aggressive yang, we keep the door of resolution open and put ourselves in a position where we can act as a catalyst for transformation. It requires practice and experience to do this well, to polarize ourselves like this, but it is the only way these type of situations can be truly resolved.
If your child is exhibiting the ugly side of yin - if they’re withdrawn, sulking, or always wanting more - we have the same choice to respond as yin or yang. Responding to yin with yin, though, is just as disastrous as responding to yang with yang. When intense yin meets intense yin you have the unattractive scenario of two black holes sucking in everything that isn’t nailed down, fighting for every last scrap of energy and matter, and hoarding it away. The end result is that both participants will end up feeling hollow, bitter, and unfulfilled.
There’s a problem with polarizing yourself as yang in response to yin, however, because if you don’t know what you’re doing you’ll be sucked dry and end up resenting it. But polarizing yourself this way has the same potential for transformation as when we polarized ourselves as yin in response to aggressive yang, because we have the opportunity to raise the other party’s yin energy, to make them receptive at a higher level and possibly assist their personal growth. To do this well we have to be yang only in the 'higher' realms of thought and helpful words, and give nothing at the 'lower' levels of material things and self-centred feelings. If we only give at the higher levels we force the other party to rise to meet us. By not giving at the level of material things or self-centred feelings we encourage our child to rise above these things. However it’s not all roses and cherubs, our child may hate us in the short term - but it won’t last.
It's an interesting concept, seeing masculinity and femininity in terms of energy polarities. But whether they are actual energies or whether they are attitudes, the concept is a useful one. Yin and yang can be seen as tools, which we can pick up and put down like a set of spanners, using whichever is right for the job at hand. The philosopher Omraam Mikhael Aivanhov said ‘mastering the use of this knowledge is said to be the greatest power within creation’. That sounds exactly what we need as parents!